I know there are a lot of wonderful adopted children, but they’re not on the Jerry Springer show, OK? And that’s the show that I watch.

I got my driver’s license when I was 16. And the day I got it, I was driving my car through a parking lot — I hit a parked car. Normally when you do that, you’re supposed to put a note on the car that says, ‘Whoops, sorry.’ But my …

A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, “Why do you want another one?”The kid replies, “Because that man over there ripped the first one in …

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets. ”What the hell is going on?” he says. ”I’m having a heart attack!!” So he runs …

A Jewish guy’s mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, “What — you didn’t like the other one?”

I tell people, ‘Yeah, I’m from Chicago — what’s up?’ ‘Gasp! What street gang were you in?’ I’m like, ‘What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?’

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle. I’m just kidding — I don’t pay child support.

Two boys are playing by a stream when they spy a woman bathing nude around the bend. One of the boys takes off running in the opposite direction. The other boy chases after him and asks why he took off.“Well,” the boy says, “my mom told me that if I …

You get to eat for two. You don’t have your period for nine months. It’s like a summer vacation.

Q: What do electric train sets and women’s breasts have in common?A: They were both originally intended for children, but grown men play with them.