Really? These are the best years of my life? I live with my parents. I don’t have a car. I’m a virgin. I have no money. And these are the best years of my life? Then kill me right now.

She calls me up in the middle of the night. She says to me, ‘Tracy, I can’t believe that I actually have a person inside of me.’ I said, ‘So do I. I’ll call you back.’

If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up ’cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, ‘Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get …

One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.

They have keys to my house, which is — that’s a mistake. They’re supposed to be emergency keys, and their idea of an emergency is to come in and leave me apple juice.

10. Tommy Lee’s Kickachickee 9. Lorena Bobbit’s Cutaweewee 8. Tanya Harding’s Wackaneenee 7. Kenneth Starr’s Catchacrookie 6. Louis Farakhan’s Killawhitey 5. O.J. Simpson’s Killachickee 4. Michael Jackson’s Wannabewhitey 3. President Clinton’s Getacoochie 2. Ellen Degeneres’ Lickacoochie 1. Monica Lewinsky’s Camp Suckapeepee

For his birthday, my sister gets him a pinata… I’m not allowed over anymore because I kept going, ‘Hey Evan, I bet there’s some candy in that lamp over there.’

When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find? You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. ‘Cause I’m sitting there, I’m thinking, ‘I wouldn’t go send …

How good could I look? I’ve got head gear on, glasses, a back brace, and a little thong up my butt.

I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten — for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.