Delivery’ is the wrong word to describe the child bearing process. Delivery is, ‘Here’s your pizza.’ It takes 30 minutes or less. ‘Exorcism,’ I think would be more apt.

There’s a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. ‘I’m a loser because my father’s an alcoholic.’ No, your father’s an alcoholic because you’re …

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between ‘technically’ and ‘reality.’ “Son, I won’t tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I’ll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep …

I was growing up as a kid, which is the best time to grow up.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, …

Finally did what came natural to us: we just stood on a beach and yelled at other people’s kids.

We’re lazy people. We’ve woken our children up to get the remote for the television.

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids’ mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey’s Kiss in his mouth. “Can you guess what it is?” “I don’t know,” said the boy. …

When I was five years old, I lost my two front teeths, and I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy. And the next morning when I woke up, to my surprise, under my pillow, I found a joint.

That’s why I like to talk to my mother every single day because hearing how delusional I may become one day makes me appreciate every day I have left with my sanity.