I’m like, ‘I ain’t taking 13 kids to no damn movies.’ I was like, ‘I’ll take two of them, and they can tell the rest what they’ve seen.’

I grew up a Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out the rest of your life.

Sad to say — eight years of nuns, four years of priests, 12 years of therapy — here I am.

My mom always tried to make birthdays special for me. One year, she put a life-sized inflatable clown in my room, like it’d be neat when I woke up. Let me just tell you guys — you don’t know fear until you wake up in the middle of the night …

Your dad’ll whack you a couple of times and move on. You piss off your mom: their eyes roll back, that third lip comes down. She whipped me with a dog collar one time — dog still in it.

I knew my parents had sex. I just didn’t think they liked it.

It sucks for Bush to walk around, ‘I’m not an insider.’ You’re the president’s kid! You’re a Baldwin!

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When he was finally done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted. “So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.” So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe …

Where would you learn how to make ice cream? At Sundae school.