A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, “Happy Butt.”The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.”The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?” The little girl says, …

You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, ’cause no matter how I look at you it’s the wrong way.

“Dad,” asked son, “What’s that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?” Dad replied ”That’s Grandpa!”

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, “Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!” His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, “Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!” “I’m sorry,” says the …

Why are these kids bringing all these guns to school? And the parents never know: ‘Oh, we had no idea. We didn’t know.’ How could you not know that your kids are making 30 pipe bombs in the garage? My dad knew if I broke wind in the backyard.

What’s funnier than a zombie baby? A zombie baby in a clown suit!

God is a man. No, wait, follow me on this — follow me on this. I figure any deity that has five and a half billion kids who haven’t seen or heard from him in 2,000 years — that’s gotta be a man.

Come from an Irish family. St. Patrick’s Day was our big holiday. The night before, we’d hang up our stockings. In the morning, they’d be full of beer.

A young boy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ”R,” and all the other kids were teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ”Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” …

Do you remember when you were in seventh grade, when the phone first came out? We were on the phone forever in the seventh grade, right? Twelve-years-old, you haven’t accomplished a thing in life, but every time you get home, you run upstairs, slam the door and talk on the …