We live in very difficult times. It’s particularly difficult if you’re raising a child. So, I recently put mine up for adoption.

I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, ‘Hey Pop, I got a B in Reading!’ He goes, ‘That’s a D, you idiot!’

A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog. “Of course not,” says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question. “No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?” The granddaughter replies, “Dad said …

This guy told me a nun used to hit him with a ruler. I said, ‘Our nun tried to hit us with a car.’

I never had hips. It’s because I don’t have kids. Everybody tells me that once I have a kid, I’ll grow some hips. That’s cool, but what do you do with the kid?

I taught P.E., and it was hot. I had to be outside, like, all day long, and I like to go out and drink at night. I had to stand outside in the sun, sweating like crazy. These damn little kids would be running up to me: ‘You smell like …

I don’t know if you’ve ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she’s pregnant, she’s walking around the house like, ‘Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning.’ I’m like, ‘No kidding, it’s about time someone …

I believe everything in life I learned from my parents. And by that, I mean that I’m divorced.

She had something like ‘time out.’ It was called ‘knock out.’

I wouldn’t go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn’t all beat me up — someone had to hold me down.