I know where my daughter is every night. She’s with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don’t know what’s going on in there — like, I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

I have a 14-year-old daughter. I had her when I was five.

I didn’t want to join the Cub Scouts, my father made me. I was willing to join the Cub Scout Reserves.

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. Then he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, roar, step, step, roar, all the way down …

I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn’t have a bed. It was simple.

Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused? A: His daddy was really a mummy.

We couldn’t afford no Halloween costumes — eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn’t know what we were — ‘I don’t know what we are. I don’t know. She didn’t tell us. I think we UPS? I don’t know.’

They put these one-time use cameras out on the tables. I thought that was a great idea — ’til they got them pictures back, realized only them little bad kids had the cameras. They’re going through hundreds of pictures like, ‘Oh, here’s another one of the cat’s butt.’

As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that says stuff like, ‘Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, college fund? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.’ So I did — I got a vasectomy.

I wasn’t a bad kid, but I wasn’t a good student, you know what I mean? My mind was just always elsewhere. Even at my high school graduation, I didn’t even hear ’em calling my name ’cause I was too busy playing with the tassel on my hat.