Babies are neat, but raising a good kid — that deserves a medal. Instead of baby announcements like, ‘We’re proud to announce the arrival of an eight-pound boy,’ wait 20 years ’til you’re really proud to announce, ‘Our 180-pound boy is finally out of the house. He’s drug-free, HIV-negative, and …

The interesting thing about our mix — being that I’m black and she’s Japanese — people say, ‘Y’all are gonna have some beautiful children.’ I guess. It could be, or they could just have short legs and long arms.

Once that baby hits, you go from being lovers to teammates. It’s like, ‘Feed her. Pass her. Burp her. Pass her. Clean her. Pass her. Diaper. Pass her.’ At the end of the night, we’re too tired for sex. We just fall into bed and high five: ‘Way to burp …

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

You wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle. You wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath.

I’m Jewish, but I don’t really follow the religion. Last time I was in temple, I was 13. I made my two grand — I got out of the business.

Remember turning 21? It all happens all at once — boom — legal to drink beer, illegal to sleep with 16-year-old girls. Really threw me, actually. It’s not fair. They give you something good, and then they take something better away.

I’ve been a dad for awhile. I’ve noticed that certain things don’t change about a child, no matter what stage of development they’re in. When they’re really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again: ‘Watch out. Don’t touch …

A man has six children and is very proud of this fact; he even starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife …

People always ask me that really romantic question: ‘Do you remember the precise moment you proposed to your wife?’ ‘Oh yeah, right after I got the test results.’