I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, ‘I am the man. I am a drinker.’ And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, ‘I got away with it.’ And …

Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?A: She had no arms.

What did the lima bean say before it went into the pot? Sufferin’ succotash!

My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, ‘Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.’ ‘Well father, I forgot.’ My dad looked at me, ‘Well, …

My wife was in labor for 24 hours. Hey, it wasn’t my fault — I told her to hurry up.

One time, I got beat up by a kid named Jesus. And when you’re seven, you can’t tell the difference between Jesus, typical Puerto Rican name in your neighborhood, and Jesus, the actual savior. So I was walking around all confused — you know, guilty. What had I done that …

Why’d the boy eat his homework? His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

Tonight, I’m just going to sing you a song. It’s a song I wrote for my twin brother, and that’s no joke, I do have a twin brother. I wrote this song for him when he was eight years old, and at the time, I was — eight.

I got whupped so much, sometimes I hated to see my mother coming. I’m having fun with my brothers, my sisters, my friends — my mother pulls up, and I’m thinking, ‘Dang! Why she keep coming here? Can’t she just drop off the food and stay at work?’

Here’s another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can’t help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I’m saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, ‘I want you to have the …