Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: “Yahoo!”
Přečíst celý »Rocky LaPorte: Visiting the Staten Island Zoo
They got a sign in the bathroom that said, ‘No smoking or eating.’ Who the hell’s going to eat in the bathroom of the zoo? You know, be like, ‘Hey, the zoo don’t smell bad enough — let’s go have a snack in the john.’
Přečíst celý »Rocky LaPorte: Renaming “When Animals Attack”
You ever see that show, ‘When Animals Attack’? They should call it, ‘When Stupid People Get Bit.’
Přečíst celý »Rocky LaPorte: Florida’s Wildlife
They’ve got those freakin’ bugs down there, the big ones that fly away with your kids. You ever see those things — palmetto? I was going to step on one; I thought he’d tear my shoe off, stick it in my ass.
Přečíst celý »Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British …
Přečíst celý »Robins in My Yard
I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ”I’m hungry!” So the mother cat said, ”What would you like?” The kitten replied, ”I don’t know!” Then the mother cat …
Přečíst celý »Robert Schimmel: Shamu Plane
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that’s painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that’ll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That’ll be nice, when you’re trying to get out and a real whale’s humping your window.
Přečíst celý »Rob Weinstein: Black bud With Red Blotches
We sit down to eat, and a large black bug with a big red blotch starts crawling up my leg. My wife says, ‘Kill him.’ And I say, ‘Are you talking to me or the bug?’ She says, ‘Rob, kill him.’ I say, ‘Mary, let him walk off on his …
Přečíst celý »Roadkill Logic
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum how. (How many dead chickens have you seen along the road?)
Přečíst celý »Return the Dog
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and …
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