I quit smoking pot. I quit because I saw this commercial on TV — you may have seen the same one — it’s the one where this kid gets all his buddies together, they’re gonna go in the basement, and they’re gonna smoke some weed. So, he goes to get …
Přečíst celý »Jeff Stilson: Naming the Baby
It’s very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses ‘miscellaneous.’
Přečíst celý »That Johnny Is So Witty
One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody’s book, she came up to Little Johnny. “Show me the homework,” she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture …
Přečíst celý »Jeff Stilson: Men in the Delivery Room
I was present for all of their births. That’s expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I’m still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it’s like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim. …
Přečíst celý »Test Tube Baby
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby? A: Your dad’s a wanker.
Přečíst celý »Jeff Stilson: Giving Birth
I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again — not even …
Přečíst celý »Telephone Operator’s Proposal
Q: How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
Přečíst celý »Jeff Stilson: Delivery Is the Wrong Word
Delivery’ is the wrong word to describe the child bearing process. Delivery is, ‘Here’s your pizza.’ It takes 30 minutes or less. ‘Exorcism,’ I think would be more apt.
Přečíst celý »Jeff Stilson: Blaming the Parents
There’s a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. ‘I’m a loser because my father’s an alcoholic.’ No, your father’s an alcoholic because you’re …
Přečíst celý »Technically and Reality?
One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between ‘technically’ and ‘reality.’ “Son, I won’t tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I’ll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep …
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