Children Jokes

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.

I learned in my car that I could not have children. It was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

I have a friend that’s a nurse, and she said sometimes women will put on a full face of makeup before they go under for an operation. This doesn’t seem right to me. My mother told me only two things to remember when I was growing up. She said, ‘One: …

Mothers, y’all get songs dedicated to you. Y’all got a song by The Intruders, ‘I’ll Always Love My Mama’… You got the song by The Spinners, ‘Sadie.’ Y’all remember that one? Fathers, what do we get? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’

I’m kind of weird about my glasses because my mother told me I looked bookish. We’re from the South, and apparently, if you’re a woman, you shouldn’t look like you can read.

We had our first two years ago — on New Year’s Eve. That’s a rockin’ birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year’s plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

You do comedy when you’re like me. When you’re Swedish and black, and you look like a Puerco Rican, and you mom’s a Jehovah’s Witness, who loves country western music, sends your black and white ass to an Irish Catholic school — you’ve got some problems, right guys?

My wife and I had a long talk recently. We decided we don’t want to have any kids, and then we decided we probably should have had that talk before we had one.

If my dad could see me up here now he’d be very impressed. But you know, I’m sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. He’s not dead just very condescending.

I got the perfect body for an eighth grader. Yeah, if this were junior high, I’d be the man, y’all. Damn near be the bully, alright? Be that crazy dude over by the monkey bars: ‘Man, Sully’s crazy — he drank three chocolate milks today.’