Children Jokes

Like that rental car concept, don’t you? It’s kinda like grandkids: you just abuse them and turn them back in.

And now I’m getting older, so my mom wants grandchildren. I said, ‘Mom, go for it.’

So my wife’s pregnant, and people are so idiotic. You know what people ask? They ask, ‘What do you want? A little boy? A little girl?’ Everything’s prefaced with ‘little.’ Oh, jeez, no! We want the biggest thing possible. She wants to give birth to a 45-year-old plumber named Gus, …

What’s the advantage of having a kid at 49? You can both be in diapers at the same time?

My wife was in labor for 30 hours. Then, at the end of that, she had a C-section. After 30 hours, the doctor said, ‘Well, it looks like we have to go get him.’ I guess we couldn’t have done that yesterday? You know why they had to go get …

You can’t leave anything around little kids. They go through your stuff, your luggage, your toiletries. I sleep in their room; I wake up in the middle of the night — they’re rummaging through my things. They have my underwear on their head; they’re wearing my lipstick. They’re like raccoons …

For a long time, babies don’t wear real clothes, they wear costumes… My mother in Boston sent us a business suit — a little suit, a little man’s suit: little black pants with a white shirt and a bowtie and a little red sportcoat — like he’s got a job …

I read an article in New York Magazine that women 49 years old are now having their first child. I can’t get off the couch at 33 to do things for myself.

If the truth be known, I don’t hit my children because I really don’t think I could hit them a little.

I’m sitting there, and these big fat white ladies are making out with these little tiny black guys, practically sucking their whole heads down their throat, feeling up their boobs and everything. I’m six… my grandmother’s like, ‘Susan, don’t stare!’ I’m like, ‘Then don’t take me to jail, ya’s nutbag!’