My mom always tried to make birthdays special for me. One year, she put a life-sized inflatable clown in my room, like it’d be neat when I woke up. Let me just tell you guys — you don’t know fear until you wake up in the middle of the night …
Přečíst celý »Steve McGrew: When You Piss Off Your Mom
Your dad’ll whack you a couple of times and move on. You piss off your mom: their eyes roll back, that third lip comes down. She whipped me with a dog collar one time — dog still in it.
Přečíst celý »Steve McGrew: Parent’s Sex Life
I knew my parents had sex. I just didn’t think they liked it.
Přečíst celý »Steve Marmel: George W.’s 2000 Campaign
It sucks for Bush to walk around, ‘I’m not an insider.’ You’re the president’s kid! You’re a Baldwin!
Přečíst celý »In a Year, I’ll Be Five
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When he was finally done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted. “So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”
Přečíst celý »Stayin’ Alive
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.” So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe …
Přečíst celý »Ice Cream Lessons
Where would you learn how to make ice cream? At Sundae school.
Přečíst celý »Some Plants
“Some plants,” said the teacher, “have the prefix ‘dog’. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by ‘dog’.” “I can,” shouted a blonde. “Collieflower!”
Přečíst celý »Howard Kremer: Having OCD
Everything’s got to be even. Like, if I scratch this hand, I’ve got to scratch this hand. If I tie that shoe, I’ve got to tie that shoe. If a celebrity adopts a baby from a foreign country, I’ve got to kidnap an American baby, fly it to that country …
Přečíst celý »Soda Pop
Three bored girls are sitting around, and one of them suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. The first girl says, “I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause seven days a week, he’s up.” The second girl answers, “I want mine …
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