Children Jokes

I wrote a book recently. It’s for kids whose parents put them up for adoption. It’s called ‘They’re Just Not That Into You.’

A lady walks into the local record store. “Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?” she asks. “No, but I’ve got dangling balls and a 7-inch,” says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second. “Is that a record?” “I think so. I’m only …

— You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.— Your potted plants stay alive.— You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.— Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.— You attend parties that the police don’t …

My mom is a major pain in the ass. Let me explain — my mom is a ‘camera mom.’ Everybody’s got that one person in their family, but it ain’t their mom. All they do is walk around and go, ‘Wait, don’t move, let me go get my camera.’ All …

In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble’s ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up’s ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble …

You ever been in a store before and see a mom — she got like five or six kids, and she can’t control any of the kids. Kids just running around knocking stuff off the shelves, just yelling at people for no reason. You feel bad for the woman, so …

How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One but he has to get it drunk first.

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, “Happy Butt.”The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.”The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?” The little girl says, …

You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, ’cause no matter how I look at you it’s the wrong way.

“Dad,” asked son, “What’s that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?” Dad replied ”That’s Grandpa!”