Children Jokes

You know how you spell words around kids you don’t want them to know? My Uncle Snooky always spelled the wrong damn words — ‘What do you say we go out to the c-a-r and smoke some dope?’

If a young girl asks you if you like kids, she is curious. Older woman asks you if you like kids, you know what that really means? She has some kids!

I feel bad for older male Latino actors ’cause older male Hispanic actors — they always give them the same crappy line in every hacky movie. Like, you’ll see the guy’s son, and he’ll die in a hail of gunfire. Then the father, he’ll drop to his knees, and he’ll …

Every year for my birthday, she would make me a birthday cake from scratch, and then she would let me lick the egg beaters. And then she would turn them on, and that would hurt my tongue.

There ain’t no way in hell you’re putting my son on Ritalin — but I’ll take some. How much for five dollars? Let me get a small bag.

People will come up to me, they’ll go, ‘Gosh, Gene, you don’t look Mexican. You look kind of white.’ I say, ‘Some Mexicans are kind of white; some are kind of brown. OK, Mom?’

Up north, when people tell you stuff, you know what it means, am I right? I remember when I was a kid, this guy goes, ‘Eh, get off my lawn, or I’ll put my foot in your ass.’ Yeah, right away I understood what that meant.

We live in very difficult times. It’s particularly difficult if you’re raising a child. So, I recently put mine up for adoption.

I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, ‘Hey Pop, I got a B in Reading!’ He goes, ‘That’s a D, you idiot!’

A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog. “Of course not,” says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question. “No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?” The granddaughter replies, “Dad said …