Children Jokes

You ever see the commercial where the little boy gets caught by his dad, and he’s like, ‘I got it from you, Dad. I got it from you!’? I tried that with my father. I was like, ‘I got it from you, Dad!’ ‘You been pinching my sh*t?’ I got …

They should have locked up the Ramseys a long time ago. I don’t know if they actually had anything to do with the murder or not, but you should have locked them up for dressing that baby up like a whore in the first damn place.

I’m from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I don’t think they wanted seven kids. They’re Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us.

What the hell is a ‘time out’? When I was growing up, we had black outs.

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and he’d be like, ‘Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I …

Q: Why is the math book always upset? A: Because it has a lot of problems.

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage ’cause I like souvenirs.

I know where my daughter is every night. She’s with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don’t know what’s going on in there — like, I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

I have a 14-year-old daughter. I had her when I was five.

I didn’t want to join the Cub Scouts, my father made me. I was willing to join the Cub Scout Reserves.