Children Jokes

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

You wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle. You wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath.

I’m Jewish, but I don’t really follow the religion. Last time I was in temple, I was 13. I made my two grand — I got out of the business.

Remember turning 21? It all happens all at once — boom — legal to drink beer, illegal to sleep with 16-year-old girls. Really threw me, actually. It’s not fair. They give you something good, and then they take something better away.

I’ve been a dad for awhile. I’ve noticed that certain things don’t change about a child, no matter what stage of development they’re in. When they’re really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again: ‘Watch out. Don’t touch …

A man has six children and is very proud of this fact; he even starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife …

People always ask me that really romantic question: ‘Do you remember the precise moment you proposed to your wife?’ ‘Oh yeah, right after I got the test results.’

I’m always afraid I’m going to get in trouble. I’ve been like that forever. I remember being 16, trying to get into an R-rated movie. My heart would just be freaking out. Then, I turned 20, and I was trying to buy beer. It was like the same thing. What’s …

I found out that my girlfriend is adopted. I found out in a weird way. Last night, we’re in bed, and I’m like, ‘Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?’ And she goes, ‘I don’t know.’ I’m like, ‘What?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, there’s an agency looking for him, …

— Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU— The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched— Some Kittens Can Fly— You Can Paint Anywhere!— Where Would You Like to Be Buried?— Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her— The Attention Deficit