If you’re a guy and you’ve never seen a newborn child, let me tell you now, it’s the miracle of life. Nothing more precious, nothing more delicate, nothing quite as ugly as a newborn child. They got no hair, they got no teeth — they’re like aliens.
Přečíst celý »Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… The Way You Think
Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”Little Johnny: “None.”Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”Little Johnny: “None.”Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are …
Přečíst celý »Carrie Snow: Third Child
My best friend just had her third child. She’ll be sterilized by the state soon.
Přečíst celý »Carrie Snow: No Kids
I can’t have kids because I have white couches.
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… Thanksgiving Greetings
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”At …
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… Stand Up
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you …
Přečíst celý »Carol Leifer: Got to Have a Baby Soon
Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I’d have to do it soon ’cause it’s getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it — the latest — by …
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… Snakes and Bushes
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, “A bush.”The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he’s in the shower. He asks, “What is that big long thing hanging …
Přečíst celý »Carmen Stockton: Being an Overweight Child
It wasn’t difficult for me to run. It was really difficult for me to stop suddenly, which is probably why not only once, not only twice, but 13 times, I ran through my parents’ patio screen door.
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