Children Jokes

One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.

They have keys to my house, which is — that’s a mistake. They’re supposed to be emergency keys, and their idea of an emergency is to come in and leave me apple juice.

10. Tommy Lee’s Kickachickee 9. Lorena Bobbit’s Cutaweewee 8. Tanya Harding’s Wackaneenee 7. Kenneth Starr’s Catchacrookie 6. Louis Farakhan’s Killawhitey 5. O.J. Simpson’s Killachickee 4. Michael Jackson’s Wannabewhitey 3. President Clinton’s Getacoochie 2. Ellen Degeneres’ Lickacoochie 1. Monica Lewinsky’s Camp Suckapeepee

For his birthday, my sister gets him a pinata… I’m not allowed over anymore because I kept going, ‘Hey Evan, I bet there’s some candy in that lamp over there.’

When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find? You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. ‘Cause I’m sitting there, I’m thinking, ‘I wouldn’t go send …

How good could I look? I’ve got head gear on, glasses, a back brace, and a little thong up my butt.

I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten — for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.

My mom would never get us exactly what we wanted. She would always get us something like it. Like at Christmas, we never had a real Christmas tree. We always had one of the ones you put together yourself. Every year, we lose a couple branches. By the time I …

I went to Iraq, and the ironic thing is, everybody in my family that’s pro-war was against me going. ‘Tom, you have a nine-month-old son — why the hell would you go to Iraq?’ Like, I’m just looking for one good night’s sleep this year.

Our son’s the coolest. We named him Owen ’cause that’s what we figured we’ll be doing for the rest of our lives.