Dirty Jokes

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane. When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to …

She was like, ‘Danny, I don’t like that name! We don’t have that stuff in this house. Nobody in this family uses that stuff. Your brothers don’t use it, your father — why do you want to use it?’ I was like, ‘What are you talking about, Ma? As a …

I recently got accused of ?screwing the pooch? — which I think is my favorite idiom in the English language because I think it’s a big leap from a minor mishap to bestiality.

He’s certainly not your average child molester… mostly because when you get to Michael’s house, there really are rides.

Last night, I had sex with my old girlfriend — not my ex-girlfriend, mind you, my old girlfriend. She’s 72, 73, something like that.

My phone rings — my home phone — and I don’t answer it. Half a second later, my cell phone goes off. It’s like, what part of ‘I’m masturbating’ don’t you get?

If you’re in a Mexican prison, you’re gonna hit the books, learn some Spanish — because shower-time is coming up, and you’re gonna want to learn a few phrases, like ‘Don’t put that in there, please.’

We practice safe sex. We practice really safe sex. The other night during sex, we had a fire drill.

A lot of people that are adopted are insecure because they feel like they weren’t wanted. But that’s crap, you know, ’cause a lot of people were complete accidents that are only here because of alcohol and prom night and, possibly, Oasis.

You ever just been by a place and been like, ‘Man, if I went in there, I know I’d get laid’? I get that feeling all the time ’cause I live near a prison.