Dirty Jokes

I didn’t do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo.

My wife told me today that I’m gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is — we already have two kids.

You can tell I’ve been married for a while. Went to the doctor’s last week, he said, ‘Have you had sex in the last seven days?’ And I said, ‘No, my birthday’s in April.’

Q: What did the bra say to the hat? A: “You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.”

Q: What is the difference between a boy and a girl? A: A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?A: Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

Every time I have sex with a woman, I’m convinced she’s trying to distract me while someone steals my car. And then you realize, ‘Oh nobody wants a Suzuki Samurai that bad. It’s my lucky day. I should be enjoying my sex.’

You ever had a friend that’s only seen ‘Star Wars’ one time and they’re OK with it? Or they’ve only been to Disneyland once, they’re like, ‘Yeah, I went when I was 10. I don’t need to go again.’ Those are the same people I have sex with. I’m like, …

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s? A: Even the guys’ penises have sideburns.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: “I don’t think I can get hard — I just got laid this morning!”