Dirty Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game?A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?A: There was a face-off in the corner.

I was hoping I’d get really sick, you know? Catch maybe like a cold, work it into a flu, get a double pneumonia, whopping cough — lose all this weight throwing up, burping up. People say, ‘Wow! You look great! What happened?’ ‘Yeah, I got sick, yeah.’

My Indian name is: Sleeps in the River. I was a bedwetter.

Did you watch the Dahmer thing? We had it on TV. I thought that was real kind of nice TV. Did you watch it? His mother was there in the audience, every day, in court. What could she possibly say? ‘It’s a phase. Your Uncle Jack ate people until he …

Ed Gein — he’s the guy that Hannibal Lecter was based on, ‘Hannibal the Cannibal.’ He made furniture out of people. Isn’t that nice? ‘Is that a Chippendale?’ ‘No, that’s Bob Weinstein.’

[My sister] goes, ‘You know what your problem is, Karen? You think like a man.’ So I said, ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.’ And then I made her smell my socks.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic — that’s my big point right there. I don’t think anybody in this room thinks it’s funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn’t it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid …

Two old people flirt at a seniors’ singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?”The old woman replies shyly, “Depends… .”“Depends on what?” he asks.“On my bottom …

I love when you get on planes, they’re like, ‘In the event of a crash landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.’ If we’re crashing, my seat cushion’s gonna double as a toilet.