Dirty Jokes

Just joined New York Sports Club, which is fantastic. Now I have a bathroom on every block.

I only wish Jeffrey Dahmer were still around. He’d ‘a been great in the war on terror. Imagine him after 9/11. We coulda used him in the interrogation rooms… We’d be like, ‘So, you wanna tell us where the other sleeper cells are? No? Oh, I don’t know if you …

I’m not feeling well. I’ve got a little touch of leprosy. This stuff hangs on and hangs on and hangs on, and then it falls off.

I should write a poop joke about Russia. It goes like this: ‘Hey Bill, why you Russian?’ ‘Oh, I’m in a hurry because I have a horrible case of the Trotskys.’ ‘I’ve got the opposite problem, Bill. I have the Stalins.’ ‘Well, at least you don’t have to worry about …

At a rally John McCain was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.He replied, “Depends.”

They had this article taped [to the register], and the headline of the article said ‘Did you know the blood of 40 million babies has stained United States soil since 1963 through legalized abortion.’ And I’m like, Whoa, whoa — 40 million babies stained U.S. soil? Who’s doing these abortions …

Some of these drinks will knock you out. I was drinking that Sex on the Beach last night, had about six of them. Woke up this morning with sand in the crack of my ass.

He called me and told me to come in for a colonoscopy. Now, I didn’t know what it was, so I showed up… I don’t know what happened after I passed out, but he bought me this ring I’m wearing right here. I think we’re dating now.

My girlfriend used to get upset because I left the toilet seat up. So, I don’t do that anymore; I put it down. But there’s no winning with her. Now she gets annoyed because it’s covered in piss.

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear …