Dirty Jokes

Then the rectal exam comes. He puts on these rubber gloves. I’m like, ‘Please tell me you work at Subway. What — do you do catering on the side?’

It burns when I pee. That’s my body’s way of saying, ‘Don’t stick your penis in that.’

I read my morning papers on the computer. It’s just hard to hold the computer on the toilet ’cause I don’t have a laptop.

Beauty comes from within — like gas.

Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won’t give them to you. He’s all weird about it, too, isn’t he? ‘No, those are mine.’ Alright, you keep ’em, you freak. Bring ’em home, look at ’em late and touch yourself, see if I care.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?A: He wiped.

There’s one guy yelling at me in there. I’ve never even met him, he’s going nuts: ‘C’mon man, you gotta want it! C’mon, man, push it now! Come on! Push it now!’ I’m like, ‘Hey man, one guy per stall.’

It’s an ad for Ex-Lax. It’s about this chick, she’s all bummed out ’cause she’s constipated and can’t hang out with her friends. That makes no sense, right, ladies? You’re constipated so you can’t hang out with your friends? I’m trying to picture myself in that situation. I’m like, ‘Hey …

I came up with what I thought was a good idea. I’m like, I’m gonna start jerking off in the shower. Genius, I figured, she’ll never catch me in there. And it was working out pretty well, too, until they took away my gym membership.

They always have signs in the restaurant bathrooms: ‘Employees Must Wash Hands Before Leaving Restroom.’ Apparently, patrons can pee all over themselves.