Dirty Jokes

Q: Why are constipated people so rude? A: They don’t give a crap.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. “Yes,” the girl says. “But I …

Q: How do you get a baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice? A. Polaroids.

One roomate said to another,”Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth.” His roomate replied, “Oh, that’s my fault — I guess I missed.”

I think you know you’re close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, ‘You don’t want to go in there for a while.’

My daughter — true story — she’s turning six. I asked her, ‘Where do you want to go for your birthday?’ She said, ‘I want to go to Las Vegas.’ ‘Las Vegas?!’ Six years old, that makes sense, ’cause she likes the big hotels with the pools. She loves the …

Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder.