Dirty Jokes

Q: How do you make your wife scream during an orgasm? A: Wipe your d**k on the curtains.

What a woman says:This place is a mess! Right now — c’mon — you and I need to clean up. Your stuff’s all over the floor, and you’ll have no clothes left to wear if we don’t do laundry right now.”What a man hears:“Blah, blah, blah blah RIGHT NOW blah …

I told myself this year, I ain’t havin’ sex no more — on Tuesdays, between 4:30 and 6, I ain’t havin’ sex with nobody.

Sex is like a job, and if you don’t do good work, this might be your last day at the office.

A man is away on business, at a convention for marvellous machines. He found a long corridor lined with machines and decided to try a few. The first he came to was called ”The Wonder Cut”. He inserted his money and did as he was told to do by the …

Me and my father went to a fetish party last week. It was awesome. This woman was hitting me with a paddle, and she was like, ‘Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?’ I was like, ‘That guy right over there!’

They got things to do; they got lives. Cougars don’t care about nothing, except that I show up, lay it down and scram — ’cause she’s got big girl things to do.

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.” The second old fogey one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden …

Q: What’s in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant? A: Men’s asses.

Q: What is the square root of 69?A: Eight something.