Dirty Jokes

$27 million to find gays in the army — $27 million? Walk up to a guy, go, ‘Clang, clang, clang,’ — if he goes, ‘Went the trolley,’ you found him. Save the money.

The first girl I ever made love to, she was ghetto as hell. She told me, ‘You couldn’t even handle this.’ I was like, ‘Ooh, bring it over here. I’ll knock a welfare check out your ass.’

They always put the colleges in the middle of nowhere, and they always tell these kids, ‘Hey, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and don’t have sex.’ And they make it so they have to. It’s like, your choices are Wal-Mart or Susie — hmmm, both are always open….

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Blow! Blow who? Blow me, of course!

One time I had ESP with my brother… It was a Friday night, and unbeknownst to me, my brother went out and got really drunk, just hammered. And that same night, I had sex with a really ugly chick.

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine. Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the …

I got this new drug — it’s called the Internet. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that. It’s a drug, ’cause one minute, you’re sitting down, checking your e-mail, and four hours later, your pants are down to your ankles, and you feel awkward and lonely. And you …

I was at the dentist the other day. He was like, ‘Kevin, you have gingivitis.’ I was like, ‘Damn it. I shoulda wore a condom.’

Ladies, you shouldn’t do that. You know why? ‘Cause we don’t even care if you have them. You’re totally wasting your time.

Women get close to orgasms; guys don’t. You ever get close to an orgasm? Guys don’t get close — we see the finish line, we cross the finish line. If we have to drag a broken leg, we will cross the finish line.