Dirty Jokes

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

Presumably at some point in the flight, she turned to him and said, ‘My ears are popping. Have you got any hard candy?’ And he said, ‘No, no, I haven’t, but I’ve got an idea.’

Actually, a couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I’m not going to go into detail, but suffice it to say, I ‘arrived early.’ And my girlfriend said, ‘Don’t worry, that’ happens to a lot of guys.’ I said, ‘There’s two things the matter with that. Firstly, who …

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and vibrates. That’s the one I want, and …

My dad looks at me, and he says, ‘So now, so now, what is it that the two of you do? What do you do?’ And I said, ‘Well, you know, Dad, all those things you really wish Mom would do, but she won’t? That’s what we do.’

Cockroaches are gross, though. It doesn’t even sound like a bug; it sounds like the world’s worst STD. It’s like, ‘You hear about Cindy? She’s got crabs.’ ‘That’s nothing. Bob — cockroaches.’

Why is Wednesday called hump day when most people get laid on the weekends?

This is a guy who believes that God made everything, but he’s got a sign that says, ‘God Hates Stuff.’ Why is God making stuff he hates, like, constantly? Is God off there really like, ‘Oh boy, what the hell am I doing here? Oh, why would I make another …

I wish I was a Puerto Rican dude ’cause when it comes to baby making, Puerto Rican dudes — bang! — first time, every time. Immaculate conception, my ass! You check the roster at Bethlehem, I guarantee you find a Jose Torres on it somewhere. Why do you think they …