Insult Jokes

If you’re a woman and you get breast reduction, you need to donate those boobs. There are flat women out there, right now, who actually have to think of clever things to say in conversation.

Q: What’s the position to make ugly babies? A: Ask your parents.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

I was on the highway — I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I’d save him some time.

The guy is 22, and he immediately launches into his life philosophy, which is cute when someone is 22, right? He’s like, ‘Here’s what I think about life. Here’s my big life plan.’ I was like, ‘You know what? I’ll see you in five years when you’re on anti-depressants and …

I have a roommate. Her name is Cathy. She’s petite. ‘Petite’ is the French word for ‘whore.’

This casting director, she says to me, ‘Al, I think you’re going to get some work because you’re off-beat good-looking.’ Which of course means, you’re good-looking — for an ugly guy.

A stoner stumbles out of a party and starts walking home. On the way, he bumps into a man who is bloody and mangled. The man says, “Call me an ambulance!” The stoner looks at him and says, “You’re an ambulance!”

Bob: “I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife.” Jim: “Great trade!”

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.