Lookin’ Good Jokes

My sister got married recently. She got married. It was great, but the entire bridal party was dressed in brown. It looked more like a shift meeting at UPS: ‘Do you promise to get this package there overnight?’ ‘I do.’

Ladies, my whole point is do not — do not — feel like you gotta do these tricks for us. Don’t — ’cause the average guy does not care. Do we? No, we don’t. As long as the hole is safe and clean — seriously.

I saw a commercial the other day for a girdle. And you know what that is, right? That’s deception, ladies. These are the same women that get mad when guys lie to them. ‘I thought you were single.’ ‘I thought you were slim.’

Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!

They say inside every big woman, there’s a skinny woman trying to get out. I think I digested that whore a long time ago.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she’s on the highway, she has to stop at the weigh station.

I was going through men like they were freakin’ Kleenex. I was like, ‘Woohoo! You’re too tall and you can’t dance and I don’t like the pleats in your pants. La la la la la la la.’ The next thing you know — you’re 30 years old, and your Kleenex …

Q: What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?A: My zipper.

You hit your 30s and you’re still single, you’ll look around and feel like you missed out on the first round draft picks. That guy who couldn’t dance now looks awfully cute carrying a diaper bag. Now we gotta wait for trading season.

I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, naked. Twenty-two-year-old boy sees me naked, he’ll go, ‘Well, that’s what an older woman looks like, I guess.’ Twenty-two-year-old girl sees me naked, she’ll go, ‘I better start taking care of myself. Never too early to moisturize.’