Lookin’ Good Jokes

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she smokes hams after sex.

I just got back from a very hellish vacation with my family. My father took the entire family bungee jumping for my grandmother’s birthday — so she could try out her new hip.

I think the best way to stop a streaker is when the guy starts to streak, get all the security guards around, block all the exits and just let him run it out until shame sets in.

I buy a bathing suit every year. Why? Because I can’t get enough of the act of humiliation, ladies and gentleman. Generally, guys, do you buy bathing suits every year? No, of course not. You’re guys. You cut off a pair of slacks, call it summer.

You go to Colorado — some antithesis place, some beautiful place — you always see the New Yorkers at the airport. The whole family’s dressed in black because that’s our school colors.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.

You sit in your driveway with all your sh*t. ‘Does anybody want to buy my crap? It’s been kind of a rough year.’ And it’s not even your good crap, either. It’s the stuff you don’t want. It’s like, ‘I broke this in ’74, but I thought you might be …

Everything we do, ladies, is for you, to try to get your attention: the cars, the money, the clothes, the brushing the teeth.

You know when I think it’s hardest to be a girl? I think it’s summertime — hot weather. For a woman, it’s hard to maintain the high vertical clearance on the poofy do in hot weather, especially if you have one of those bitchin’ bang-babe-erecto-do things, where they look like …

I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn’t have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.