Lookin’ Good Jokes

You guys have it so easy. You don’t shave: it’s sexy, it’s a turn-on. We don’t shave: it’s birth control.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, that when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

This is how you know you’re really getting old. If go to a nightclub and you start complaining about everything in the club: ‘G**damn, the music is loud as hell in here. Why is the music so loud? Who’s deejaying — Funkmaster Deaf?’

I could never imagine dating someone that much younger. The gap in life experience is too great. ‘Cause they’re asking you questions like, ‘Who do you like better: Bon Jovi or Whitesnake?’ And at 33, I need to know, ‘Do you own or you rent?’

I was reading in the celebrity obituary column. It said the Guinness Book of World Records’ oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old. Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, ‘Cause of death has not yet been determined.’ Let me …

I used to live out here myself. One thing I couldn’t get used to: everybody with the blonde-blonde hair, dark tan, white teeth. Everybody looks like negatives.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails.

Cosmo was my Bible. This is the advice they gave: they said women should put on wet underwear under their clothes because this will make your dress cling like skin. I tried that. I walked into a party with wetness seeping from my clothes. You think my date thought I …

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model? A: A boner.

I just got back from Sweden, where I noticed a lot of girls are shaving their heads like Sinead O’Connor, which I encouraged. I encourage all natural blondes to shave their heads.