Lookin’ Good Jokes

An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, “I can guess your age.”The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.“Pull down your pants,” she says.She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”“That’s amazing,” …

Hot’ is when you got on the latest thing in the stores, right off the rack — you just hot. Or I could have just got ‘hot to death.’ Now, ‘hot to death’ is when you sharp, fly and hot all in one. When you hot to death… if you …

I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could’ve gotten me $50 bucks.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she measures her weight on the Richter Scale.

When you’re a doctor, you can introduce yourself to people and say, ‘Hi, I’m Doctor Whatever-Your-Name-Is.’ In other words, you can tell everybody what your credentials are up front, and it’s not considered bragging. But nobody else can do that — I can’t say, ‘Hi, I’m Eight-and-a-Half-Inches Naturman.’

Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar and rate women as they go by.A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, “I’ll give her a 3.” The other cowboy nods.Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the …

I am too old to be sneaking into a bitch’s house to have sex with her son on a twin bed. Do you know how hard it is to have sex on a twin bed? To try to keep your balance on a bed with some Star Wars sheets on …

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don’t you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she had to go to rehab for mainlining pork chops.

A friend of mine is 30 years old, and she’s marrying a guy who’s 19. I think it could work, yeah — and if they’re smart, they’ll plan the wedding around the same time as the prom and rent the one tux.