Lookin’ Good Jokes

Just read in USA Today, they said that alcohol is the number one reason people go home with ugly people.

Of course you’re nicer than we are, your lives are less stressful. Do you know this? For one thing, what you’re wearing tonight will be in style for the rest of your lives.

I’m 41 now; I’m starting to get gray hair. You can’t really tell, though, ’cause I shave my balls.

Then they’ve got the products for the elderly. Have you seen the recliner that has a cushion that pushes you to your feet? If you can’t get out of a chair, chances are you don’t need to get out.

What the hell is Victoria’s Secret? Please. My guess is that she likes to dress like a slut.

You’re so ugly, Yo’ Mama had to be drunk to breastfeed you.

Pajamas — they’re stupid. They make no sense at all. If I’m gonna make the effort of putting on matching tops and bottoms, I might as well put on heels and go out for the evening.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving the only thing stopping you from going to the gym is the doorframe.

Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?A: Hair that stands straight up on your head.

I have a friend tells me he can get by on one hour of sleep. To me, this is crazy. It’s like someone bragging that they only need one tooth to chew. You know, you might do it with one, but you look a helluva lot better with more.