Lookin’ Good Jokes

Another sign of getting older just started happening to me. Driving down the highway, I saw my blinker was on. I don’t remember putting that thing on. I had no idea how long it had been on for. You suddenly realize, ‘I’m the guy I used to hate to be …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she doesn’t need the Internet — she’s already worldwide.

My wife and I just took out life insurance policies on one another, so now it’s just a waiting game…. Who’s gonna be the first to experience certainly tremendous sorrow, coupled with a sweet chunk of change?

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she needed a hula hoop for her wedding ring.

Dick Clark went to a psychic. She told him, in a previous life, he was Dick Clark.

First things that go when you get old: your mind and your butt. I’m just hoping mine go at the same time. I’m serious. Because when my butt starts slapping me in the back of the knees, I do not want to be able to figure out what it is.

You ever get a gift from somebody and, as you open up that gift, you involuntarily shout out, ‘Do you even know me?!’

Why would your friends make you wear an ugly dress? Because it’s their wedding, not yours. My friends weren’t even nice. They’re like, ‘Could the dress show more back fat? Let’s get these tighter.’

Yo’ Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.

If you like ‘The Price Is Right,’ you’re either 90 or a pothead.