Lookin’ Good Jokes

I dated this one woman — she had a tattoo above her left breast. I found it really hard to be intimate while Yosemite Sam was giving me the finger.

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked — and they don’t know we’re bald.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don’t have a duvet, I don’t think. Then, they started treating me like I’m the idiot. They’re like, ‘Do you have a comforter?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Well, you have to protect it!’ I had no idea it was under attack.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

I started dating this guy that I’ve known for a long time, and I thought, ‘Oh, this’ll be so great, we’ve been friends for a while,’ until he gave me what he thought was a compliment. He said, ‘Even though you used to be wafer thin and you’re not anymore, …

I’m at that age right now where all my friends are getting married, and I’m just getting drunk.

This year about five guys got fined $5500 apiece… ’cause they were wearing their shorts past their knees. Does anybody remember the 70s and the 80s? Basketball players used to play in Speedos and halter tops.

Young guys go chasing women every night. You do that, you’re called party animals. Do that in middle age, you’re called a lonely alcoholic.

I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: ‘What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?’