Lookin’ Good Jokes

We don’t notice the eyebrow. Once in a blue moon, when it’s that woman who shaves off her own actual human eyebrows and draws in the Halloween jack-o’-lantern eyebrows — those we’ll notice for about two seconds, then right back down to the boobs. We don’t care.

I hate it when you go to other people’s houses, and they make you take your shoes off before you enter the apartment. Because it’s like, ‘What if the shoes make the outfit?’ I always wear a basic skirt and a sassy boot or a chunky loafer — I can’t …

I got the classic Italian male body. I got the ass of a 270-pound man and the chest of a small Romanian gymnast.

Let me give you one word of advice: never go to a sex shop when you’re horny. You have no idea what you’re going to end up with — make a list; stick to the list.

Yo’ Mama is so old, she wears Air Moses.

I got my first bikini. It’s a three piece: it’s a top, a bottom and a blindfold for you.

A lot of people think I look like Alec Baldwin. They don’t actually tell me that, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re thinking.

Yo’ Mama is so nasty, it takes her half an hour to walk a block because she stops at all the hydrants.

I love being in my 30s: I figured out my past; I kind of know where I’m going. But I found a gray hair, and that completely flipped me out ’cause it was the first one on my chest.

I still live at home with my mom — loser. But I’m not stupid, you know. Now that I’m an adult, I tell the ladies I let my mom stay with me.