Mum, are the Smiths very poor people? I don’t think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin’

Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please? But that’s the tenth one I’ve given you tonight! Yes, but the baby’s bedroom is still on fire.

Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it’s a nappy time.

Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. “

I see the baby’s nose is running again,” said a worried father. “For goodness sake!” snapped his wife. “Can’t you think of anything other than horse racing?”

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker. “What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded. “I’m just entertaining the baby,” explained Tommy. “Where is the baby?” asked his Mum. “Under the bath.”

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.

Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I’d much rather have a jelly baby.

Who is bigger – Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger’s baby? Mrs Bigger’s baby, because he’s a little Bigger.