Car and Train Jokes

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well, I’ve been driving all my life and can safely say that I’ve never heard a word from the back seat. What kind of car do you drive? A hearse!

My sister’s a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she’s run over.

A motorist ran into a shop. “Do you own a black and white cat?” he asked. “No,” replied the manager. “Oh dear,” said the motorist, “I must have run over a nun.”

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it …

How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.

Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.

What’s the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver? A schoolteacher says, “Spit out that toffee” and a train says, “Choo, choo.”

Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.

Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free, but underneath it’s covered with rust Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn’t charge you for it, did we?