Food Jokes

Your mother was the only one that knew how long you could wait after you eat before you could go swimming. My mother would look at me, ‘What did you have? Ham and cheese, mayonnaise? Thirty-eight minutes.’

He wakes up, and he wants a cookie for breakfast. He knows she’s going to say no. So, he comes to me at six o’clock in the morning. You’re an intelligent man. If somebody looks at you at six o’clock in the morning and goes, ‘I want a cookieee!’, what …

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos — saved us money somehow. I don’t know how. The coupon queen worked that out.

I don’t want to lose weight. My tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

I was at the doctor this week. He says, ‘Joe, you should really try and be the perfect weight.’ So I looked behind him on the chart, and it turns out, I’m still within the parameters of being the perfect weight. Apparently, I’m the wrong height.

Yeah, I was gang-raped by a dozen donuts.

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

There is a baseball park in Illinois that is serving what is called ‘Baseball’s Best Burger.’ This is a giant burger. It’s smothered in cheese, covered in bacon and served between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, and it doesn’t stop there. For an extra 50 cents, you can actually have …

Afghanistan picking a fight with America — what the hell? They can’t afford cheese, and they want to fight America. You can’t fight America if you can’t afford cheese. First you get cheese, then you get cable, then you fight America.

What is it about McDonald’s breakfast? Do they have some magical, mystical biscuits and eggs that just disintegrate at the stroke of 10:29:59? Have you ever shown up at 10:27, 10:26, still been denied? Don’t you feel like Rosa Parks and your civil rights were violated?