Food Jokes

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, “Doc, I’m just not feeling well.” The doctor replies, “Maybe you’re not eating right.”

Have you been eating cake lately? You look a little crumby.

I didn’t even see the salmon on the menu because the salmon was on the section of the menu I wouldn’t allow my eyes to look at. People, you know you get a menu, there’s a whole page that’s not your page.

The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

I’m not frontin’. I’m trying to order the cheapest entree they had. If they had cardboard, I would have ordered that.

Q: What’s the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don’t eat my vegetables.

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don’t mean a couple of cocktails with lunch — I mean like severely messed up. It’s weird because you can’t even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, ‘What do you mean I can’t get an …

Anytime there was a problem in the world, we’d send troops. Now, anytime there’s a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton’s like my mom.