Food Jokes

Sometimes I wonder, what would I get for my last meal? Probably Mexican food because it’s my favorite food. It makes you a little gassy, but so what, you’re going down in an hour — not a big deal. And then, they’ll be like, ‘Any last words?’ ‘Yeah, pull my …

I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

I actually dated this one girl — she was a vegan — one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, ‘Oh, I don’t believe in sugar.’ Bitch, it exists!

I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are …

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks… They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right — give you wings? Yeah, if you drink one of ’em. What they don’t tell you: if you drink four of ’em, you’re liable to be …

I found out I cannot take my wife to a wedding that was better than ours. Oh man, we went to this real nice, fancy wedding — they had stuff like food.

You can’t get any more famous when you get your very own candy bar named after you. You know what Michael Jackson’s candy bar is? White chocolate, no nuts.

I stop at a Burger King. I wasn’t hungry; I just go in to harass the employees. I go and I address them by their first name. This confuses the hell out of them because they have forgotten they’re wearing a name tag.