Food Jokes

Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra? A: Oooh — Henry!

Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown? A: The food tastes funny.

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese.

I was working recently in London — what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn’t used to their money, though, ’cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates — the cashier said, ‘That’ll be 10 pounds.’ I’m like, ‘Rub it in, why don’t you?’

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread? A: “If I had that much dough, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people? You know, I could understand one or two, but 17 — you’re eating just to eat.

So I’m on the way in here tonight, and I see this panhandler, this homeless guy, right? And he’s trying to bum some change off me for food — while he was eating! Totally unprofessional.

It’s kind of hard losing weight, though, when every time you see a sign that says, ‘World’s Best Donut,’ you take it as a personal challenge. You’re like, ‘I’ll see about that. Oh, you’re right, this is a good donut. I’ll take seven dozen and a diet coke.’

Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

There are people starving to death all around the world, people waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. I’m sitting on the couch, scratching my nuts, going, ‘This is ridiculous. You know how many beers I’ve had to drink while I wait for this kid …