Food Jokes

Q: What’s brown and lives in a bell tower? A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a sensible dinner.’ How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

I think their slogan should be, ‘You give us a week, we’ll take off seven days.’

I was over in the Middle East in November. And I’m hanging out with a cousin, and he’s driving us around, showing us the city and Cairo. Arabs are all anti-American right now. I witnessed it first hand. I’m over there and I’m driving around with him, and he’s just …

They’ve broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: ‘The salt was low.’ ‘Pick up bread. We be back.’ Grease all over my stove — they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

My dad was Catholic, my mom was Baptist — which was great ’cause at church we got bread and chicken.

I’m a vegetarian. We worshipped animals when we were growing up ’cause my mother was a cow. I’m kidding — my father loves that joke.

Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, ‘Will work for food,’ some of them have what they want: ‘Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.’

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don’t know. And you’re looking at them, like, ‘You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, …