Food Jokes

You want to have a little fun? Go to a fashion show and throw a cookie on stage and watch them.

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.“I’ll have your biggest, juiciest steak,” says the husband.“But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.“Oh,” says the husband, “she’ll order for herself.”

I like to go to fast food restaurants and order stuff they don’t have. Got to try that. Go to Burger King or something — ‘Hey, Burger King! Have it my way, huh? Woo! Look at that menu… Ah, let me have the catfish dinner with brussel sprouts, two biscuits …

Ladies, if a guy ever tells you he wants to cover you from head to toe in honey and lick it off inch by inch, that’s a man who’s never done it before.

Out in L.A., when girls are hungry, they’re like, ‘Oh my God, I’m, like, really hungry. I could, like, totally go for, like, a tofu brussels sprout lettuce wrap.’ I’m from Ohio. When I’m hungry, I’m like, ‘I can really go for some cow right now, just a whole f**king …

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It’s when I look in the mirror and think I’m really skinny.

Little things start to change in your life — like your socks start to get tight.

I tried cocaine to lose weight. It just made me eat faster.

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?A: It’s called Sosumi.

I think the holidays are important because that’s when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.